Retired Police Officer and New Age Girly Man, Beats System

Finally a happy ending.

After a quarter century of law enforcement, a quickie retirement party and a not so quickie divorce, there were a few things I wanted to do. Adventures, bucket list things.

One of those things involved riding my motorcycle all over the United States and spending the better part of a year in New Orleans. I loved New Orleans so much, that I wanted to get a big, giant fleur de lis tattoo on my back to commemorate the experience. The best tattoo artist in town was moving his "studio" days before I was preparing to return to the highlands. Thus and sadly, I have no tattoo. Instead, I poked holes in my ears. From those holes, I dangle many different styles of earrings and studs, many of which are fleur de lis designs.

Now you're not going to meet a lot of ex cops or ex police chiefs of the male variety wearing designer fleur de lis earrings. Law enforcement is just not a big target for the earring market. Let me let you in on one other little trade secret. Cops do not like men who wear earrings. Do not forget this lesson.

How I began to notice this phenomenon was quite by accident. Every time I got stopped, I got a ticket. I am very intelligent despite my outward appearance and thus I started to look for common denominators while receiving speeding tickets. The first thing I noticed was that in every incident, I was speeding. The second common denominator I noted was that I was wearing earrings each time. Cops tend to notice things like men wearing earrings and big boobs, items that tend to stick out and grab our attention. Law enforcement is still a macho profession dominated by conservative men and women. Policy manuals prevent uniformed men from wearing earrings. Thus it occurred to me, after collecting my third speeding ticket, that after I finished traffic school I would never ever allow another cop to view my earrings- up close and personal- while conducting a traffic stop.

It has never occurred to me to just quit speeding.

This morning, it happened. I got the opportunity to test my theory. There I was... blasting along...when one of those dreaded motorcycle cops bounced a radar beam off of me. I was driving at a speed that every self respecting cop on the planet has deemed an appropriate speed at which to write a ticket. I was 16 MPH over the posted speed. I was in deep shit. Being that I had just gotten off of work and the Sunday graveyard shift, I was sporting my crystal cross dangly earrings. I had both of them off and in my drink holder in the same amount of time that it takes a bullet to pass through a paper target.

The cop dismounted. The motorcycle cops here cut speeding motorists zero slack. If they get you, you are going to greet the court clerk cashiers. That's just how it is. That is how our conversation began. It ended without me getting a ticket. Trust me when I tell you this. That happy ending occurred due in large part to me hiding those earrings.

I remember how it was. 


I can't say I ever had a desire to wear earrings. The last thing I would want to do call even more attention to my big ears.
Anonymous said…
Love it, were you on the bike,I assume????? lolllllllllllllllllllllllll Way to beat the system!!!!!!!
Brian said…
I was in the car. My last ticket was totally chickenshit. That is what caused me to stop and say, "Why did that cop have to write that ticket?" I was nice, the speed was barely over the limit and we were in the middle of nowhere. I never even stopped people for 5 to nine over back in the day- let alone write them tickets.

None of us would probably give two shits if it weren't for those thieving insurance companies using every little excuse on the planet to steal more money from us. That is a splendid little monopoly they have.
Julia said…
Damn, I had no idea about this but luckily I don't have this problem because I'm sure they love women with earrings:))
Even if I'm always polite with cops I never got away without a ticket, off course when I was guilty. I don't have many but the only time I was able to avoid being punished for a traffic ticket Toronto was when I hired a lawyer to represent me in court...
But I will definitely tell this story to all my men friends because I know a few that wear earrings:P
Thanks for sharing!!!
Anonymous said…
My mother who is 86 with a lead foot always gets away with murder. She has been stopped numerous times. Once she was stopped for speeding and made up a story about her daughter having a baby and had to get to the hospital. She got a police escort!!!

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