Apple Jumps Shark, Invents Chevy Volt for Your Wrist

It was with absolute delight that I listened to Tim Cook roll out the Apple watch.

Strutting across the stage, all smiles, Cook was talking about all of the fantastic features of the watch. They've been working on this for 3 years. They have 3 basic models. The watch ranges from 349.00 to 17,000.00 for the gold encased one. Apple claims an 18 hour battery life which undoubtedly will be far less if you actually use the thing. You must have an I-phone 5 or newer as a companion piece which is where this new watch gets really stupid and really expensive if not just a bit duplicitous.

So this is where I should tell you- why I once loved Apple and why I now hate Apple- if you don't mind my extremism.

I received my first Apple laptop in 2007 as a parting retirement gift from my girlfriend. Apple laptops cost 750-1500 dollars more than other competing brands. Here is where they succeed.

They are smaller and lighter, they fire up faster, they are easier to use, they do not get viruses, they are fixed fast and usually free at any Apple "Genius Bar", their charger cords are magnetic so that if you trip over the cord it breaks free rather than dumping the hard drive on the floor, and they have better software features for photos and music with superior access to ancillary services.

Where do they fail? Apple doesn't want users who try to hang onto 5 year old laptops. Once they hit 5 years- Apple won't even work on them. They want you to buy a new one- which I did. The funny part is- is that after 5 years and another 1500 bucks- I did not see any significant difference in the new laptop except that it had a silver case and was a little skinnier. Hardly worth the additional 1500 bucks.

I do not fault anyone for buying an Apple laptop. They are simply superior to other laptop brands like this Toshiba I paid 300 bucks for at X-Mas. I especially love that Apple's laptops read all incoming data for viruses- something that Bill Gates could have done with Windows- had he not been such a pirate and screwed people over by allowing viruses in and thus forcing the hoi polloi to pay for a variety of software and repairs.

My hatred for Apple came when I discovered that all of their products are assembled by hundreds of thousands of Pacific Rim employees making a dollar an hour and working 16 hour days- 6 and 7 days a week. I have never been a fan of any corporation which exploits workers by paying sub par wages while subjecting them to horrible working conditions. If Apple wants to dispute this- then I suggest that all of the Cupertino, Ca management staff that are making mountains of money should switch jobs and salaries for one year with Chinese workers at FoxConn. Then we'll see if they find some sort of conscience.

In addition to exploiting slave labor, Apple has 700 billion dollars sitting off shore which is the largest cash horde that any company in the history of the world has ever amassed. Apple will undoubtedly become the first trillion dollar company. They will not pay taxes on that off shored money but they will gladly ask consumers for top dollar for their devices while letting you pay your taxes- which unfortunately- we cannot avoid even if we leave the country like Apple did. Thus there are no Apple manufacturing jobs for Americans beyond Cupertino- nor tax shelters for the middle class who they hope will buy this gadget.

If only people would quit patronizing these pirates. But they won't. People don't think that way anymore.

The problem with the watch is that it doesn't really do anything special. It has a small screen, you still have to have an I-phone with you, you must recharge the watch everyday, and you will look like a dork wearing it. I don't even think it's waterproof or water resistant which means that maybe a nice plunge into a sink will kill it.

With a giant Galaxy screen available to me and a bazillion free apps- what advantage could an I-phone user find with this watch? I think it measures your heart rate- and there is always some nerdy geek at the gym who wears a similar device on their arm- which costs 29 bucks.

How many ways can you re-invent a computer? Will they come up with an Apple necklace next?

I miss Steve Jobs. He always saw the big picture. I can't help but think Jobs would have shit canned this watch. Jobs would have probably shit canned Tim Cook for any number of reasons as well- such as paying investors dividends- which Jobs was adamantly against. Cook surely owes his longevity, and his smiley face, to the corporation Jobs built. Successors can often live on the laurels of their predecessors- at least for a while.

Apple has so much money that it can suffer a few missteps. A few people will run out and buy this watch and we will see what it is really like then. My gut tells me that the Apple watch will go the way of toaster ovens and the Chevy Volt. Rolling it out in April just as consumer spending has all but dried up. It's going to be interesting to see the pre order sales figures.

I wonder if Cook will be talking about this watch and how much it added to Apple's bottom line at their next annual meeting. I have a feeling it won't be taking up too much of his time.