Friday, November 16, 2012

Let Me Know When The Weird Shit Happens

I couldn't help myself. I've been following the whole General Petraeus episode. This is the kind of stuff you can't make up.

When the initial scandal broke, I immediately started digging into the background of Petraeus' biographer, Paula Broadwell. Broadwell is from North Dakota, not far from the area I am from. Her schooling and credentials are outstanding. Clearly she had no aspirations on sticking around Bismarck. Ms. Broadwell is married and as a bonus- she is very attractive.

So the next thing I did, that secret little thing that many of us do and don't tell anybody about is- I googled a pic of Petraeus' and his wife. Then I did the same thing with Broadwell and her husband. I scored the whole thing like a diving judge at the Olympics.

Petraeus got the best of this deal- by far. I gave him an 8.5. I deducted 1.5 points for losing his job.

The problem with being a very powerful person like Petraeus' is that there is a certain segment of women lurking about who are absolutely turned on by powerful men. That these types of women make themselves sexually available to powerful men is nothing new. They will get your ass into a sling. In fact, I read an article recently wherein a number of female Obama supporters said that they have fantasies about having sex with the President. The President I think, is not that interested in women. He is married to Patrick Ewing's sister. I think he would rather have sex, prison style, with ol' man whitey.

The problem with a lofty fling on the top bunk of government for guys like Petraeus is that your detractors will now try to turn a simple, ongoing, and mutually satisfying event into an international spy v spy episode. That's when this stuff gets real nasty. Search warrants, international es-penis-iage, covert deals, Senate investigations.

All this because some man wanted to make sticky with some hottie. Soon, the Senate or some equally fraudulent body of ne'er do wells (every bit as lustful as the people who got caught) will grill Petraeus while he is seated in some uncomfortable wood chair drinking water out of a dixie cup. If Petraeus is any kind if man- he will look those inquisitors in the eye and say- yea.. it was worth it.

Have you ever noticed that it's always the people who aren't getting laid that are always the most deeply offended- at those folks who are getting some? Let's pray Feinstein or Boxer aren't part of the Senate inquisition.

All of this reminds me of Bill Clinton and the infamous blue dress episode. I have never been able to put that image out of my mind. Like Petraeus, I scored that episode in Clinton's favor. In fact, had it not been Monica, but Gennifer Flowers or even Whoopi Goldberg, Bill would have still come out on top given my special scoring system. I find all of those women to be vastly superior to Hillary.

Thankfully, Monica did not turn out to be a secret operative of the KGB.

The craziest thing about the whole Petraeus scandal might be Jill Kelley. I still haven't figured out how she fits into any of this, really. Jill Kelley is an absolute enigma. She is "close" friends with Petraeus. Other than throw parties and screw off- she apparently has no real function in life. Apparently Paula saw her as some sort of "would be" sexual rival and sent her a bunch of nasty emails. Then Kelley reported that to the FBI agent who in turn...sent Kelley some topless pictures of himself. You can read some more about the vain and narcissistic Jill Kelley right here. Weird shit. I promise.

As near as I can tell Kelley knows General Allen and General Petraeus. How does a "socialite" get access to generals? Maybe she digs uniforms with all that shiny shit on it. (let this be a warning UPS) Kelley has plenty of time to do this. It's not like she has a job for chrissakes.

My favorite part about all of this is that the seductress, Broadwell, warned General Allen about the potential seductress, Kelley, in an email. Now that is some rich shit. Apparently Broadwell saw Kelley's methods of seducing generals and getting laid as some cheaper version of her own tactics. It's like a gutter drunk calling another gutter drunk, an alcoholic.

I was going to go get a copy of "All In" until I read this book review. Let me know when the weird shit happens- I don't want to miss anything.

That book was okay. I liked the military stuff, but got bored all those times it talked about his delicate touch or how his wife takes him for granted and doesn’t deserve his love.
Vicente Rivera

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