At Kohberger's sentencing hearing last month, the victims' family members were given an opportunity to speak. They delivered hateful and vitriolic comments. I felt so badly for them. In fact, I had to turn it off. I could not watch it. I have seen that sort of caustic and vitriolic hatred many times. Not only was that sort of angry hatred directed at me from time to time, I was also guilty of directing similar fury at others over the course of my life.
Righteous anger is directed at the sin- not the sinner.
Can you please accept a few of the following premises as mostly true before we proceed?
Bryan Kohberger is most likely an angry individual who was consumed by so much hatred and rage that he directed his sociopathic lean towards happy and attractive kids. Living in an isolated world, Kohberger had no distractions, no significant other, nobody for advice. How long had he lived with this rage? How many years had he been consumed by his isolation, social awkwardness, and jealous hatred for people enjoying all the things he coveted? In the end I suppose it doesn't matter. We know now that all of that sociopathic rage manifested itself in the slaughter of 4 innocent kids that never saw it coming. So please accept that there are people in the world like Kohberger. We cannot explain their motivations. They are spiritually sick. That is our first premise.
People have the right to grieve any way they want. You cannot tell someone how to feel. Some folks deal with a loss quickly. Some people never get over loss. Some folks feel tremendously guilty over an inability to prevent loss, or they may think that they somehow contributed to the loss. Many are consumed by the same angry, hateful rage that Kohberger internalized. Some become killers themselves and execute a defendant. Generally speaking, people grieve differently, and you cannot tell someone how to go about grieving. There is no "right" way. That is premise number two.
The criminal justice system sucks. It caters to suspects. That's the way it is.
You also have every right to agree or disagree with me. Many will. However, if you are looking for an emotional and spiritual solution to anger and loss, there has always been a solution. It is incredibly hard to fathom and perhaps even harder for people to grasp. I stumbled on it by mere accident.
Sometime in the fall of 2004, I was having a beer with a fellow police chief, who had been grieving a loss of his own. His son had been killed by a drunk driver, and he explained to me that his wife who lived in a different state- refused to leave the house they were living in when their son was killed. He explained to me that his son was 18 and was preparing to leave for college on a full ride hockey scholarship. His wife simply could not bear to leave the house. She had kept their son's room absolutely intact- the exact same way he left it the day of his death. I was astonished at how calmly he spoke, but I also noted that he seemed a bit irritated with me. I was asking too many questions. Before we were finished speaking, he told me that they had undergone a long process of discovery which resulted in forgiving the young man who had killed their son. I remember thinking how remarkable this was and despite my Christian beginnings, this ability to forgive had always eluded me. I didn't understand it at the time. I should also tell you that these two parents landed on this emotional solution prior to sentencing.
In the summer/fall of 2007, I found myself in a horrible frame of mind. I had just gone through a divorce which ultimately cost me my job. I was angry with nearly everyone in my life. That is not to say that they did not deserve part of the blame but ultimately, I understood that the only one that was going to save me, was me. There had to be a solution to all of this anger I was feeling. Could I find it?
Have you ever had anyone say, "you have a bad attitude!!" and subsequently have you ever had anyone offer a solution? Of course not. People are not trying to "understand" you- they are simply directing a caustic remark. People generally, don't take the time to "understand" one another.
It is this contempt for one another, and this lack of understanding, which leads to all sorts of conflict- fights, wars, and courtrooms. Ego, as Tolle describes it.
So it was that one night, in New Orleans, I was reading Tolle's "New Earth" when I stumbled on the discovery that would clear my hate filled brain fog. Tolle was talking about Jesus. How was it that a man, put to death for essentially no reason, tortured in the worst way possible, would ask God to forgive the people who had convicted him and who were in the process of killing him? Who does that? Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God does that. Tolle suggested that only a man, not of this earth, would arrive at such a conclusion. Luke, Chapter 23, verse 34.
I had just finished reading "The Power of Now" and "The Four Agreements." So it was that I began to see everyone and everything differently. Ultimately, I reached a level of consciousness and understanding that I have never possessed. I realized that by forgiving people, I stole away the power they once had over me. I accepted that they were free to live their lives and their dream- whatever that was. Oh and it certainly isn't a perfect process.
A few days later, I was stuck in the parking garage at Harrah's in downtown New Orleans. It was full and for an hour I sat in that concrete structure breathing exhaust fumes. When I arrived at the booth at the exit, I yelled something unkind to the young gal sitting in the booth. I felt bad about it later and the next day, I apologized to her. That was when she told me that the reader board which usually warns motorists that the garage is full was out of order and not working. She had asked them to fix it, but they had not. Of course, I thought.
Seek to understand.
Can you imagine how difficult it must be to lose a child to a monster who needlessly slaughtered your son or daughter? Is this something you can ever understand? I doubt it. Human beings, for all of our achievements, simply have not emotionally evolved to that point. Hell, I still have a childhood friend who refuses to talk to me because I became a cop, and he hates cops.
Yet as I sat and watched Kohberger in that court room, as hate filled family members directed vitriolic comments towards him, I couldn't help but think he was robbing and victimizing them all over again. He handed them a glass of poison and they drank it. I get it. It has always been this way.
There is a decision and a solution here. It is most certainly unconventional. It offers acceptance of what is, what we can't possibly understand, and how to move on while keeping your sanity somewhat intact. I prayed for a solution once and I find myself praying for the families of those slain children now. May you find peace.
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