Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Frankenstein Government Stumbles Onto New Award Winning Journalist, Jonathan Alter

The Frankenstein Government award for shittiest writing of the year. It takes a special kind of writer to reel in this prize. With two months to go, this dude looks like a cinch.  

I wasn't sure I would ever be able to replace newspaperman, Pat Murphy. Time and time again, Murphy never let me down. Murphy wrote some of the most inaccurate and ridiculous liberal shit I have ever crossed eyes over. Week after week, year after year, Murphy's warped thought processes and thus his writing became so disjointed that I considered drinking half a bottle of Bushmill's just to reduce myself to a level of reading comprehension that would allow me to understand him. Often, I considered reading the white stuff around the ink. Losing a whipping post like Murphy isn't something you get used to right away. I have been in mourning for weeks now. Nobody said life was going to be easy.

Reading Murphy was like taking a tomato and removing it's ability to reason. Finding a replacement would be a daunting task. So tonight, just as I was finishing my prayers, God delivered Jonathan Alter. I nearly vomited when I read this piece declaring Obama to be "honest." http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-10-27/obama-miracle-is-white-house-free-of-scandal-commentary-by-jonathan-alter.html#disqus_thread

Had Murphy found a host body in Jonathan Alter? I googled and found another article written by Alter before Murphy passed away. Proof that Alter is a very capable statist and idiot all by himself without any need for body snatchers like Murphy. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-26/you-think-obama-s-been-a-bad-president-prove-it-jonathan-alter.html

Holy shit! This guy is asking for us to prove that Obama is a bad President? That level of unconsciousness is so rare that it can only occur one time in about 9 quadrillion opportunities. In other words, there is a greater likelihood of an albino sasquatch getting off a flying saucer and delivering a pizza to your door just as the Miami Dolphins win the Super Bowl this year.

Jonathan Alter, you are the answer to my prayers. Please keep doing what you do. God bless you, I hope you write as long as Murphy did.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Come on! This guy was paid to say those things, right? It's not possible for anyone to be that naive, is it? One thing is for sure, Brian, you have a stronger constitution than I do. If I ever see that by-line again, I will immediately move on.