All You Can Eat Meat

The great thing about having your own blog is that you can write about any damn thing you want. So today I thought I'd take a rain check on government hating. Deviate into masochistic dieting with a little history. My diet history began after the summer of '07 and a U.S. tour via motorcycle. I ate and drank very well on that trip. You can hide a little extra weight at 6'4" or so. But there are limitations. Sooner or later things get a little squishy.

In early November that year, I jumped into my Jeep and headed back to New Orleans for the winter. All 300 pounds of me. I was about to launch a weight loss mission. By Christmas of that year,  I weighed 218 pounds. I had lost 82 pounds in something like 55 days. From size 40 to 34. I could even fit into a 32 waist without too much struggle.

I have told that story a few times. Very often people think I am full of shit or at least exaggerating and they have told me that. Losing weight in dramatic fashion is not easy, but it can be done. It just takes tremendous discipline for a predetermined length of time. In just a paragraph or two, I will tell you how I do it.

In July of this year, my girlfriend and I parted company. I wouldn't have declared either one of us fat but that is probably too forgiving. Both of us were about 40 pounds overweight. Now I haven't seen her in quite awhile. Last week, I saw her for the first time since we broke up. We are on good terms. She looked fantastic. She had lost all 40 of those pounds. Nothing really says "fuck you" like losing weight where ex boyfriends are concerned and getting new boyfriends becomes a priority.

In her defense, she wasn't outwardly smug... but you can bet your ass she was enjoying that. I have to credit that gal. She motivates me. Not only did I quit smoking because of her, (she still does) but I'll be damned if I am gonna let her ice cream eating ass show me up.

Let me introduce you to the Frankenstein "all you can eat meat" weight loss program. This diet makes Atkins look healthy. It is Atkins on steroids. I limit the duration. I am going to lose 50 pounds in 40 days. This is how I will do it.

I determine how much I am going to lose. I set the time frame. Since I know it's not going to be forever or eternal, it is easier to stay focused.  My end date is Jan. 25. I have found that I have to do this every two years. That's been my experience.

You cannot drink alcohol. No milk, no fruit juice. You cannot drink coffee to excess. Maybe two cups or 16 oz. per day.

I allow myself 35-50 carbs per day. That's it. A nutritional shake in the morning or yogurt with a few strawberries in it and every other day, 12 oz. of V-8 vegetable juice. That's pretty much the entire carb intake. I laughingly refer to this diet as the "meat diet." In reality, I probably eat 3 to 4 times more meat by weight and volume than I do vegetables.

I eat every kind of meat known to man. All day long, in enormous quantities. Whole chickens, spiral ham, half a turkey. Brats and sauerkraut. Two pounds of sirloin. Lots of fish, herring, salmon, tuna. I eat gobs of low carb vegetables, salads. My favorite is asparagus, brussel sprouts, cauliflower. Huge amounts of eggs. I have virtually every kind of cheese sold in the store. That's it. Nothing else. Maybe some peanuts. And I drink tons of water. At least a gallon a day. For a snack, I sliced and ate an entire cucumber today.

Ok that's the easy part.

Now after consuming those 50 carbs or so in the morning, I head straight for the gym. I run 3.2 miles. At night I ride my airdyne for 30 minutes or walk an additional two miles. You must do this every day. The hard part is your energy level. With no carbs or easy energy, your body is forced to use stored fat and it will eat a little lean muscle too. They call it ketosis. You will be sluggish and tired and I take naps. That's just tough shitski. The problem I encounter is that I lack energy once I have used up those easy carbs in the morning. Energy at night is hard to find. I eat a few broccoli carbs toward the evening.

I use a simple trick. I do this one day at a time. I do not let my mind wander and sabotage my mission by looking ahead. I am focused on today. I know what I am going to eat. I am five days in, I have lost 11 pounds on the gym scale- just to to make sure that the meat diet is still working.

In a day or two I will be traveling for Christmas. Eating on the road is nearly impossible when you are on a mission such as this. I will take my food with me. I am not kidding. If I absorb any extra carbs- they will have to slip them in the air that I breathe. I am determined not to let some Ben and Jerry's eating, California beach bum, show me up.

Anyway, try not to get a blood test done while you are doing this. Or at least avoid looking at the triglycerides and cholesterol levels. Your doctor may have a shit hemorrhage. Mostly, I've found that doctors don't understand. This is a helluva lot easier and cheaper than a gastric bypass and you aren't gonna convince me that cutting all that tissue is healthier, either. So that's the deal. A lot of animals are going to give up their lives this month so that I can look and feel like an Ethiopian again. Forty days, 50 pounds, or die.

All you can eat meat. The perfect diet for men.