Thursday, April 5, 2012

Frankenstein Government, Incredibly Handsome, Just As Cursed As Samantha Brick

It's tough being so handsome. It's been a terrible burden all of my life, but mostly I have just internalized my feelings and tried to "gut" it out.

George Clooney, Brad Patt, and me. 

Thank gawd for Samantha Brick. Finally someone has mustered up the courage to talk about the visual debauchery of our society and their willingness to shower beautiful people with attention and gifts. You ugly bugglys may think it's all fun and glamorous but being this good looking takes a huge emotional toll on us. Being gorgeous is a curse. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

I can't begin to tell you what it's been like. Young girls staring at me and smooching on me since grade school. In high school- it got worse. Girls were fondling and groping me. Young girls removing their clothing in my car. Fighting over me at parties. Older women, teachers too. In college, it was just terrible. I simply couldn't keep up with the demands. Getting treated like a sex object. Young women trying to have "relationships" with me. Everywhere I turned, there was cleavage. In the end, I suppose I just felt dirty and used. In fact, getting a gun and a badge was one of the few ways I could feel safe while being stalked by all of those predatory and desperate women trying to land a gorgeous beefcake like me.

It's lonely being this hot. But the times, they are a changing.

Thankfully I am getting old now. My hair is falling out and new hair is growing in places where it's not supposed to be. I can't see so well and my hearing is shot. If someone mentions the word "vagina" I somehow associate that with Richmond. Every once in awhile a tooth drops out of my head, past my man boobs, and bounces off my protruding belly. Somewhere beneath that belly is man-gear, gear that has only one singular purpose left. My knees and ankles crack and pop. I hate stairs.

So I've got all that going for me. Samantha Brick, self appointed goddess, is only 41. Just wait a few years honey, all of these burdens have a way of sorting themselves out.


Anonymous said...

"stalked by all of those predatory and desperate women trying to land a gorgeous beefcake like me."

I take it you have not spent an inordinate amount of time overseas.Don't go there. I almost did not make it out alive myself. Canada is dangerous too for the likes of us! AE

a911Chick said...

Such a cutie, with a bootie!!!!! I bet it all works like a charm with the right person.....even in Virginia!!!! lollllllllllllll