Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Frankenstein Government, On Sadistic Diet, Manages To Lose Like Three Pounds in 25 Days

Wow, this sucks.

On December 15th, I went on the Atkins diet from hell. Because I am a man I can say this. I am 51.

I endured Christmas and New Years. Not one fucking sugary Santa Claus cookie. No booze or egg nog. Not one slice of bread. Meat and broccoli. Celery. Ya know, all that tasty stuff. Then after watching my family eat like pigs, I came back home. I do an absolute minimum of 3.2 miles a day on treadmills and ellipticals.

As I write this I cannot walk. The pain is almost unbearable. My ankles are both sprained, the ligament in my left knee is knotted, and I think I have a hernia. I am almost completely crippled. I have these Canadian acetaminophen tabs with caffeine and codeine in them. They are wonderful. I am almost out of them. In America, I cannot have them or frosting on my cupcakes because my government knows what is best for me.

To be honest, I have lost 22 pounds in 25 days. It has not been worth it. I am beginning to wonder why I am doing this. It's not like I am getting laid or anything. Here is my advice to everyone. Do not get old or fat. Growing old is not for pussies.

I really miss those Marlboros in the black box. When I finally lose this 50 lbs, sometime in the spring of '16, I might just go get some.

On one of those old, crippled, fat people- scooter thingys.


Fredd said...

Buck up, Brian.

I have been old and fat for about 15 years now (I'm 56). And when the Atkins thing was trendy, I went from 248 to 206 in about 3 months...and the whole time all I did was sit in front of the Double Stuff Oreo display in the cookie aisle at Piggly Wiggly and stare at those forbidden wicked packs of pure evil. And drool.

I'm back to a healthy 255. But since I am 8'7", it looks good on me. I lie, too, BTW.

Getting old and fat, it's easy, once you get the hang of it....heh heh.

Just don't play basketball, don't hang glide, and definitely no bungee jumping.

BBB said...

Atkins diet? http://www.atkinsexposed.org/

eat raw!!!

rawmuse said...

The Adkins diet darn near killed me, from diverticulitis. I got all plugged up and full of infection. By the time I checked in to the hospital I was near dead.

I am 57 and all I did to lose weight was 1) stop drinking 2) no desserts 3) get moving 4) eat more meals, but smaller meals, but nothing after 7pm, ever.

I went from a 44 waist to a 36. I would like to get it down to a 32.

Losing weight is a bitch. Gravity is a bitch. Early death is also a bitch.

Ain't it great to be alive?

Tee Dub said...

Yeah, Atkins? Not so much. I agree with rawmuse. 50's in my face. Never felt better. Yoga. Thought it was the stupidest thing ever...8 years ago when I first tried it...I wake up and nothing hurts! only muscle pain from weight training 2x's a week. Move it or lose it buddy. But you already know this. Atkins IS sadistic. Beat yourself up with exercise and then "drown" yourself with lots of water...and maybe a few beers, ha!

Tee Dub said...


Michael said...

Love the blog and visit every day. I am 50 years old and have been doing CrossFit for 18 months and been doing the Paleo (caveman) diet for 6 months. Meat, veg, fruit and nuts. No grains, dairy, processed food. It has been gradual progress but a constant move in the right direction - more lean muscle, less fat and an approach that works for the long-term. Check it out and see what you think.