Friday, March 2, 2012

It's Getting Harder Every Day... To Find Nicely Forged Documents

The other day, I noticed that my local eatery gives a 15% discount to people aged 55 and older. This is a curious thing in and of itself actually.

Is there some advantage in attracting old people to your restaurant? Do they feel sorry for us? Maybe that parking lot full of sport utility vehicles and high end autos is indicative of a down trodden  demographic. I'm not sure exactly what thought process was in use when offering the big 15% discount. I have always tried to attract younger, better looking people. I'm sort of weird that way. I would probably suck as a restaurant owner.

So I am wondering, do you have to ask for this discount when you are ordering? Does some 20 year old chick eyeball you and say, "yea- he looks older than 55. " I can't imagine the level of embarrassment if I lied about my age to save a dollar fifty and then got busted.

Maybe they should have one of those alcohol type signs at the cash register. If you were born after today's date Mar. 2, 1957...we no give you discount. Actually the absence of such a device would allow me to save face if I got busted. I suck at math.

Does anyone give a shit about one more old man with one foot in the grave? Probably not. I however, must still maintain some level of dignity while screwing the restaurant out of 15%. For the second time in my life, some 35 years apart, I need a a nicely forged birth certificate or maybe one of those clever new bogus ID cards the kids are using to get into bars. This will be my backup plan when lying about my age. Having been out of the forged document marketplace for quite some time, I'm not sure where to go to get a nicely forged document.

Lord knows, I don't need some smart assed kid with a nose stud telling me I only look 49 and me pulling out some second rate forged ID and having the kid call the cops on me.

The problem is, I don't want to spend 300 bucks on the thing. Three hundred bucks is a cheap investment when you are 19 and trying to get drunk, laid, or both. Besides, you can just lie to your parents and tell them you need the money for books. At age 51, laying out three hundred bucks to save an average of a buck fifty means I will have to eat at the restaurant 200 times before I turn 55. Shit. I can't break even with those kinds of numbers.

So I got to thinking, who knows more about forged documents than our President? Nobody does. Not only are President Obama's documents mostly missing, but when one pops after 3 years and gawd knows how many court proceedings, you just know it is going to be a high quality reproduction. After all, this is the President we are talking about. He doesn't send his work to Kinko's.

Don't go eating at Sheriff Joe Arpaio's restaurant, Barack. He's on to you. You ain't getting a discount there.

Maybe, I could go to one of those press conferences, get one of those plastic badge thingys, and ask, "Mr. President, could you give me the name of a good forger if you happen to know of one?" Maybe if I wear one of those t shirts, the non shot up variety, he will see me as a friendly guy or maybe even a moonbat and know that I have a sincere need for one. Maybe if I leave my number, he can text me the information. Or maybe I will just ask one of the ten thousand illegal aliens living in Nampa. Surely they know a good forger or two.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I would ask you for ID~u look suspect to me!!! lollllll