Monday, August 15, 2011

Frankenstein Government's "Santa Barbara Special Report"

I'm down in Santa Barbara this week helping a young man find a place to live. I love Santa Barbara except for the fact that it is mired in California. I love the weather, the beach, the hills surrounding the town. I also love the whack jobs that inhabit Santa Barbara and wander from the beach up State St. Some of the looniest bastards on the planet.

I have seen an albino antelope. I have seen a dwarf playing a tuba. I thought I had seen everything until this. I spotted the last conservative in California. He was driving a pickup truck. This is what his bumper sticker said. "A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders." Before I could catch a glimpse of him- he was gone. Like the yeti.

Now, I've lived in a few places that I was intent on vacating. Sometimes that meant the place was going to be shown before my departure. Generally, I try to clean up the place, maybe patch the holes in the wall with some toothpaste. Give proper notice in an attempt to liberate my deposit. I like to think I'm a good tenant. So today, while we were waiting for the property manager to show up at one home, some completely stoned kid with his "hat on lock" showed up and began wandering around. He walked around the back of the home and declared that he wanted this place. When I asked why he said,  "check this out dude." I followed him to the backyard and snapped this photo which I cannot rotate because I am a moron. It is four fully mature pot plants.



When we went inside the house, the residents had about fifty buds laying out on the counter top drying. Call me old fashioned, but if I knew they were going to show the house which these morons did- I would probably put my pot away and not risk some stoner kid with his hat on sideways grabbing a few buds on the way out. Or some cop's kid mentioning this to his dad. Needless to say, we opted out of this place. I thought about snapping a photo of the buds on the counter but it would probably have been upside down and I didn't want to have to apologize twice for my lack of skill in rotating photos.

Soon we were down on State Street at the busiest place in all cities- the Apple store. Just before we walked in, I spotted a kid with dreads holding a sign. "Tomorrow is my birthday. I need money for pot and booze." I briefly thought about giving him the address of the house we were just at. That's how my mind works. I didn't give him the address because I think he was too stoned to take advantage of the tip.

Something that annoys the living shit out of me is the way ultra aggressive drivers behave upon approaching the exit lanes out of Santa Barbara and onto northbound 101. The locals pull this every time I am here. Traffic backs up in the number two lane (curb lane) for blocks waiting to turn right and merge onto the highway as signage directs. Some smart ass comes blasting down the number one lane which is always free of traffic. As they get close to the ramp, if they can find one centimeter of room between your nose and the car in front of you as you are stopped in traffic- they will just jam their car in front of you. Tonight some smart ass did this to us. Observing all of this was a Santa Barbara motorcycle cop. Justice. It's times like those when I actually miss being a cop....

Ok. That's enough for tonight. I am gonna read the blogroll and see if there are any news stories worthy of chiming in on...in the meantime...if you know a Santa Barbara cop...give em a smooch for me. 

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