Sunday, October 2, 2011

Frankenstein Government Solves the US Debt Problem

Late last night, I was looking at the latest moonbat invention which is sure to catch on in the United States... the fat tax. Denmark is going to tax the makers of foods which exceed certain levels of saturated fat. This is absolutely the kind of tax that American statists will love.

All of this fat taxing got me to thinking....

Not only can the moonbats regulate and tax all of those evil corporate producers that they hate so much, but they can now regulate the diets of fat republicans. They will stick it to old whitey. The leftists will absolutely love the fat tax. Imagine all of the money the statists can claim they will save us in medical costs. They know what is good for the rest of us. We will have a healthy, happy country. So what if we have to give up a little more freedom and eat celery sticks? Koom-by-yah Chris Christie!

But why stop there? What if the moonies just said fuck it, we're gonna tax all fat people? Don't laugh.

I don't like celery sticks unless they have that bacon cheese whiz on them and I think the moonbats are missing the big picture. Here at Frankenstein Government- I have a better idea. An idea that I am positive will solve all of our debt problems.

Let's tax booze and drinkers! We'll save everybody. Sure... we know fat people have additional health problems and that they are going to be a drain on our new health care system. But we have an entire culture addicted to booze. A hostage tax base. So what about those millions upon millions of booze hounds? Booze is a far greater risk and it is widespread. We know that alcohol consumption causes all kinds of deaths. Car accidents, suicides, accidental and deliberate deaths, liver damage and cancers, heart attacks, stroke, depression, kidney problems, arterial problems, bleeding ulcers, diabetes. Not to mention all of those other societal costs. Swamped police departments, judicial systems and prisons bursting at the seams, divorce court, a whole cottage industry of rehab centers, shrinks, social workers, and defense lawyers. Hospital hours and billable hours. Skyrocketing workman's comp and liability insurance.

Do fat people cause that much misery? Not hardly, unless one of 'em pins you. Taxing booze and boozers casts a far larger, wider net than any targeted fat tax. And we will nab virtually every moonbat and make them pay out the ying yang for all of their social programs. Moonbats swill booze. Everyone knows that. That's how they come up with most of their stupid ideas. Not to mention they are cheap bastards. They use everyone else's money. A humongous booze tax on individual drinks, retail booze sales, and required blood tests for everyone over 12. Here's how it works.

We could tax one dollar per drink at first. We can always increase it later. We would tax retail sales, add three or four bucks worth of tax per bottle wine, liquor, or 12 pack. We could also tax people who drink by forcing everyone to take free blood tests courtesy of Obamacare. That way we could catch the home brewers and vineyard owners like Nancy Pelosi. Based on your blood test results- we could levy an additional tax on everybody. Tax assessments would be made based on how much you drank and how much money you make. A big rich and elite drunk- say like Ted Kennedy- would have to pay 100k a year. An out of work roofer might only have to perform community service. Blood tests would be required every year. Failure to report for your annual booze blood test would result in a de facto and automatic gigantic tax assessment if you make lots of money or have a job that pays more than 12 bucks an hour. Everyone else would just get more community service.

Here's the part that senators and moonbats will love!

We would have government drink counters assigned to a specific number of bars and restaurants. We would also assign people to review retail sales and doctors offices. Their jobs would be to count the number of drinks, bottles, and drunks. Of course we would need another level of supervisors to keep all of the front line workers honest and sober. We would also need a whole new bureaucracy to administer this system. We could call it the Department of Liquor Taxation Because Government Knows What Is Best and Healthiest For You. (DLTBGKWIBHFY) Obama could appoint the new Booze Czar. All of those new workers could also keep an eye on all of those bartenders, waitresses, and owners- to make sure that they report all of their income. We would have to add thousands of IRS workers. Can you imagine the money that could be made? The jobs we could generate? We could collect a bazillion dollars, create hundreds of thousands of shovel ready jobs, and keep people from going to the hospital and wasting our health care dollars- or dying premature deaths. Millions of lives could be improved or saved.

That is the type of "progressive" regulating and taxing that moonbats love. We will make a shit ton of dough. Hell, we might even wipe out the whole 15 trillion dollar debt in the first year. All those old drunks in Arizona and Florida have to be worth a cool trill all by themselves, don't they? If we can't pull ourselves out of this recessionary spiral with this new tax, then we can start taxing Xanax, benzos, and anti-depressants. These are the drugs that the doctors give us so that we can cope with all of the problems that drinking booze and lying about how much we drink causes us.

Pulitzer city, here I come! Our new theme song. If you can get past the twangy lyrics and big hair-kick ass solos await you at the midline. This is gonna work. It's time to rally. All aboard!


Anonymous said...

Your plan is far too complex Brian, you have to take your cue from how we do it here in Canada.

First the feds charge an 'excise tax' which marks up the bottle about 50%.

Then the local government gives itself a monopoly on liquor distribution.

Now the provincial liquor monopoly marks up each and every product by 150%.

If you go to a bar, they also mark it up over and above the previous 2 government levels.

And don't forget to tip your server at the restaurant, she works very hard for that lousy 8 bucks an hour, and it's not her fault that a typical shot is 5.50 to 6.00 now is it?

You Americans are amateurs when it comes to this.... :)

Brian said...

Holy shit! I had no idea. You guys are professionals. No pulitzer for me.

Are there any undiscovered continents we can flee to?