On Friday, I was the target of an ambush. My second of the week. So...
Today, I thought I'd write about relationships. Why? Because I am so gawd awful bad at them. I'm not just talking about your run of the mill romance type relationships either. I can screw up any kind of relationship. But I am especially good with women.
When I part company with a woman, they hold me in such contempt that they would not stop to spit or piss on me if I was on fire. They'd walk around me. So in that regard, I consider myself a professional breaker upper. If any of you ever need advice on how to leave a girlfriend, email me for personal instructions.. You will only have to suffer through a week or two of shitty texts and emails. If they are especially pissed at you they will contact your friends on "facebook" or contact your other mutual friends to let them know what a terrible human being you are.
Of course they will do all of this while claiming the moral high ground for themselves. The scorned never claim anything but complete innocence. The women in my life have all been "victimized" by men. Culturally, we have raised our women to believe this nonsense. And they do. That's not to say that men don't- I'm just not in the habit of dating them.
Sometimes you are the hostage taker and sometimes you are the hostage.
So on Friday, I suffered through my second ambush of the week with an old girlfriend who had just come back to Boise. It started innocently enough with mutual pleasantries and exchanges, the catching up people do after months apart. But as we spoke, I noted that she seemed distracted. Finally her attention turned to the real reason she was at my house. She hauled out her Gatling gun. She drew a bead on me and fired. And as this old girlfriend pulled the trigger- all hell rained down on me. I tried to take it like a man but it was unmerciful. She must have scripted this moment out in her head for months now- because she left nothing undone. She did an exceptionally fine job. Very thorough. I could not think of one thing she missed. I could only take so much. I contemplated throwing her out.
She stopped short of telling me I had a small penis. So she may have been distracted and forgot that.
Breaking up with people is tough. I've been on both sides of it. The problem with relationships is that somehow we think we need them. I gotta tell ya, I'm not sure that's true either.
I have always had this idea that I was going to find the "one." That life was meant to be shared. I've discovered a couple of things. That in order to find the "one" you have to be the "one." You also have to be willing to look. If you are going to go looking, then you have to be willing, mostly, to cut your losses and move on. You are only looking for one "right fit." That means you are going to have a lot of relationships that won't work and that will require an escape plan. I have a simple rule for this. I always look a year ahead. If I can't see myself in this relationship, or it is deteriorating, I am probably not going to waste time with it. That's just me.
When evaluating relationships- remember one hard and fast rule. We make time for the people that are important to us. There are no exceptions to this. If you are feeling ignored or marginalized in a relationship, or both of you have become that way, it's time to evaluate whether or not that relationship is worth continuing. I usually start looking for the exits right about then...
The other thing I want to mention is that women are pretty intelligent. They are dangerous on both ends. So about the time you've cooked up your exit strategy and you think it's a good one, or maybe even foolproof, wait until you try and execute it. Then we'll see just how smart you are.
I have gotten spoiled in my old age. I like my life just the way it is. I don't want any hostage takers telling me what to do or reminding me what's wrong with me. But I'm not ready to give up- just yet. But if I do, I'll be ok with that. I know a few people who live alone and I really think they enjoy it.
So a great relationship and the end of the world have one thing in common. They will only happen once.
The gal I'm seeing now is something special. Mention marriage to her and she gets physically sick. I mean- projectile vomiting sick. This is something we share. I suspect that she knows she sucks at relationships just as much as I do. That is scary honest. Can you imagine a relationship with no victims, hostages, or hostage takers?
I'll tell you this much. This relationship has potential.