Friday, April 15, 2011

Bankers, Credit Reporting Agencies, Expatriation and Other Fantasies

There are some things in life that defy explanation. Women, mattress tags, the tax code, and home loans come to mind. Today, I am focused on home loans.

Four years ago, I packed up my life and hit the road. No debt, everything paid for. Just me, my Jeep and my motorcycle. I want to tell you about some of the ridiculous things that have happened to me. One of my favorite incidents occurred nearly right away- in New Orleans.

In New Orleans, I tried to rent an apartment without a job. You would have thought I was a fucking alien. I had six figures in the bank, a credit score north of 750, plenty of references, I offered to pay the entire year (about 10k) in advance, and they would not do it. The 20 something property manager girl told me they would not rent to me because I did not have a job. No shit. What if they could not evict me, she asked.

Common sense is a rare commodity. Mostly I've found, financial people, do not rely on it too much. They like to dwell in the "glass is always half empty" world of minutia and details which don't amount to anything in the big picture.

So for the last 6 months, I have been dealing with and trying to buy one of two short sale homes I had made offers on. Both are owned by Bank of America (of course) and their shitty mortgage portfolio. So not only do you have to jump through their hoops- and the hoops of the 2nd mortgage holder and negotiators- but you have to jump through the hoops of your own bank. I forgot how fucking difficult these Masters of Minutia can make the process. In fact, it's a wonder anything gets done.

To a bank, in the current environment, a potential homeowner is an adversary. The enemy. They have demanded everything from me except a cat scan and a blood test. Forget that archaic idea that you are a customer- somebody they make money from. In the current environment, the one THEY created, you are somehow treated with apprehension and animosity. That is the world I find myself in. A bunch of detail oriented bean counters that can't figure out that a guy with a guaranteed income for life, no debt, and a debt to income ratio of 20% after the home loan, might have the capacity to pay the fucking loan.

Oh and those credit reporting agencies. If there was ever an industry SCREAMING for regulation- it is that one. What a fucking scam. If a creditor reports some arbitrary and derogatory item- there is no due process. No opportunity for you to defend yourself. And unlike some derogatory item they report- it will take you FOREVER to remove an error. Credit reporting is a business that finds you guilty until proven innocent and they will hurt you financially. Credit reporting, as it exists now, should be illegal. Credit reporting is libelous and in dire need of reform.

Ok, I feel better now. I am told that all of the money I have in the bank- money that I make nothing on- would buy a nice home in some other country. Like Belize with half naked women in bikinis on the beach. Just pay cash. No ass kissing, no interest, no thieving bankers treating me like the enemy. I gotta tell ya, those are some things to like. I can almost smell the ocean now. Coconut smelling sun tan lotion. Half naked women. Big fish. Warm sun. Young, half naked women. Ahhh...maybe I don't need that home loan after all.


Airstikes for Peace said...

I look at this expat thing all the time. When does your country, the land and ideals that you grew up loving, stop being that country? I really think that we are there now, pretty sad.

Checked out the book "Atlas Shrugged" yesterday. 1000 pages plus. Screw you Krugman.!

Brian said...

I am kinda bummed because the fucking banker/politicians stole our country from us. We aren't getting it back. Now you can argue, whine, and rattle sabers all you want but I think that shit is pretty apparent at this point. And I don't see anything which indicates to me that this can change.

I think Atlas Shrugged cmes out today, doesn't it? Look at silver and gold. Holy shit!