Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Dark Lord

In my house, in uniformed regalia, there is a picture of me shaking Dick Cheney's hand. The Dark Lord. Although stricken with a painful and terminal illness, I was suddenly and inexplicably cured shortly after that brief encounter. Here then are similar tales of the most sinister man that ever buried a man in the rose garden. My thanks to AceofSpades HQ and some of the wittiest bastards around. Just as funny the second time...

While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana whorehouse, Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom.

The bodycount was fourteen Mexican whores and one cougar.

In Tijuana, they refer to this as "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man."
Dick Cheney refers to it as "last Thursday."

Dick Cheney's dark powers, when not being harnessed and channeled by their master (i.e. sneers and hobo murder), manifest in the corporeal world through a phenomenon described by one noted scholar as "loose shit." It's not known if this result is explicitly tied to the temporal continuity of Dick Cheney. One proposed theory states the existence of Dick Cheney at any point in the timeline may explain everything from the Big Bang, to the Heat-Death of the Universe, and even beyond to blackhole evaporation and the very existence of entropy. Another noted scholar known only as "Joe" disappeared promptly after beginning an investigation into the Cheney-Entropy theory.

Once, a protestor yelled at Dick Cheney while he was walking through Washington.

Dick Cheney smiled, then ripped the man's heart from his chest and ate it raw in front of the guy's kid. When the kid cried, Dick Cheney said, "Oh, don't be such a fucking pussy," and spit blood on the sidewalk.

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