After posting "Does Anyone Read This Blog"... I received about 25 comments and 4 emails. There were about 150 page views. That ratio, somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-1, seems about right. The four emails primarily had to do with commenting or more personal things.
I breathed a sigh of relief actually. I was prepared to call it quits. I have two loves in my life that have always remained constant. People and writing. But I cannot write junk or play off key. There is some sense of responsibility about that I think.
I have one other secret to confess to. I have a profound weakness for helping people- helping people to feel good or better about themselves. That includes myself. If I can feel just a little bit better about myself I think- maybe I can help others find some happiness. These are the things I focus on when I am mostly out there in the world but sometimes in here.
I have always had my priorities right. People come first. I cling to that idea with the faith of a man receiving last rites. Faith that I have just one thing right.
Hopefully, I can make all of these subjects converge in a moment.
I am one of those people that has never felt totally comfortable in my skin. Maybe we all feel that way, I'm not sure. Over the years, I have found that the problem is far more widespread than I had originally thought. At one point, early in my life, I thought I was the only one who felt that way. That is simply not true. Individually and collectively I think, the problem is far worse than any of us honestly imagine.
It is a vast cultural problem that we have, this emotional dishonesty, and it is manifesting itself in the obvious and depressed ways- but it is also manifesting itself in far more subtle ways. Subtle things that people cover up. Because they feel like they need to. This sense of emotional dishonesty that we teach ourselves. How are you doing? "Good" we always say... even when that is an absolute lie.
There is no cure or solution in denial. Maybe this cancer will just go away we think. It is hard enough to just get to some sober, rational point in our lives where we are aware or conscious of the fact that we have never felt completely right. Unfortunately, many of us don't even make it that far.
I have talked with thousands of people in my life. People who desperately try to appear right but really aren't. They may have even mastered some art or craft or several- but the rest of their lives are in emotional chaos, perhaps limited disarray or seasoned with malaise. They just don't feel good about themselves and any success that they may feel- is fleeting.
They cannot feel grateful because they have no way of measuring that. Our means of measuring that has been forgotten.
Here's where I try to tie all of this together.
I think it's ok to be honest. To try and help people feel a little bit better about themselves. I think it's alright to be honest, and to write and convey honest thoughts and emotions. That includes failures, personal failures. Anybody can talk about success- egos love that sort of thing. But failures and personal mishaps? That takes courage.
I think it is absolutely mandatory that at some point- we- meaning our emotionally dishonest culture, starts discussing the things that we cover up and pretend don't exist. To get over that sense that we must never let the world see our faults- that somehow we must present this perfect package to the world even though we don't feel right inside. We can't fix a problem if we all collectively agree to and subsequently pretend it does not exist. We have lost our sense of purpose. That is a problem. People should always come first. Human kindness and decency. When we fix ourselves- all things seem possible after that.
And so I am here writing at five in the morning. An imperfect writer trying to master the craft. Some street musician trying to string a couple of chords together. Thankful and grateful that anyone shows up here at all.