Saturday, March 17, 2012

Chunkymom Stalks Frankenstein Government

I am not afraid to talk about this.

So a couple of months ago, a friend of mine tells me about this internet dating site. It was free- so I signed on.

What happened next was completely predictable. My friend Jim, after a month, removed his profile from the site. When I asked him why he had done that, he said, "I have never seen so many fat women in all of my life. I am not interested in dating "BBW's" or whatever they call themselves." When I pressed Jim about all of this he confessed. He had actually been on 4 or 5 dates with these women and managed to stop just short of a second mortgage to pay off his Diner's Club card. And so it was that Jim pushed the delete button and preserved some dignity in his life.

BBW stands for Big and Beautful Woman. Very often I have seen them lurking at Chinese buffets and Walmart. I have included a photo of a BBW from the BBW wiki entry. This particular BBW is what I would call an entry level or petite BBW. On some dating sites, this is referred to as a "few extra pounds" which means something less than 80.



'

For women (and oddly enough, single women) Plan B becomes the BBW marketing agenda. They don't want to lose any weight because that takes discipline and effort. Instead I suppose, they are hoping to woo some attractive rich guy with nothing more than a promise to offload that extra 100 pounds.

You wanna hear the best part? Some of those on line love wanted ads actually ask, "Where have all the good men gone?" Some of those men it seems, have gone to the gym.

Oddly enough, I did not find "Chunkymom" at the gym. That is the cyber handle she gave herself. You cannot make something like that up. In fact, anyone who calls themselves Chunkymom will most likely intrigue me to such a degree that I will be forced to open their email. I am simply fascinated at that level of unconsciousness or honesty. That is how our dialogue started. Chunkymom seems like a nice enough gal. She can dish out some shit- which of course I enjoy. The problem for me, is that an extra 125 pounds on a 5'7" frame doesn't exactly get the reduced testosterone levels in my old body sloshing around.

I grew a little silent about the time Chunky asked me out for coffee. I confess, I just don't see a future here. Now she's a little miffed at me as though I signed some service agreement.  

Look, this growing old isn't for pussies. Nobody at my age is looking for perfection and I damned sure don't want to date someone who is 30 although I am not gonna rule that out at this point. Going to the gym- hurts. I hurt every day. But I would rather hurt than buy up another waist size. As for this online dating stuff?

On line dating is a great theory that would seem to make sense until you actually engage in it. It's a frustrating playing field where your ego gets bruised and beat up by people you know nothing about. It just seems desperate to me. I think that's the worst part actually. The desperateness of submitting yourself to some online meat market and emailing back and forth in perpetuity. 

It's hard to preserve any kind of dignity in an environment like that. Jim did.









5 comments:

Jim at Conservatives on Fire said...

Forget Chunky Woman and have a happy St. Patrick's Day.

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Not sure but you have made a sharp left turn with this one. Nice to mix in some personal antidotes from time to time. But your missing major right killing events like the fact that Obama signed the anti-protest Trespass Bill H.R. 347. Focus sir.

Anonymous said...

Get a cat.

pops

Anonymous said...

Dignity is a young mans game there boss. Don't give up hope though; I'm sure one of those BBW will put in an honest effort to lose some weight for you.

republicanmother said...

Laughing at the Chinese buffet crack. I once saw a BBW there who had three asses- seriously - there were three rolls to her backside as she sat in her Jazzy chair because she was too fat to walk. The sad thing was piling her plate like she was a starving person at a freaking BUFFET. The chinese people's eyes were the size of dinner plates. You just couldn't help but stare.

But to say a word about internet dating: my mom and stepdad found each other through the internet circa age 50 and they are two peas in a pod. Like my mom says, there was no internet in 1975 when she married my crazy-ass excuse of a dad (who is a con man, pathological liar, and pervert-I'm sure you've encountered the type)