Monday, August 26, 2013

Frankenstein Government Has a Tough Weekend

I have never been fond of eastern Idaho. It is a cold, hellish place where the wind howls and the only foliage is alfalfa and potato plants. Eastern Idaho is also home to the Idaho National Engineering Lab. This is where atomic power began. They had an accident once, way back in the 50's I think, but they managed to cover it up pretty well. There are also a lot of Mormons.

The only thing I have against Mormons is that they generally don't swear, smoke, drink, or gamble. I never trusted people like that.

Wind, alfalfa and potatoes, nuclear accidents, and Mormons- is no way to live your life. I got out just as soon as I turned 18.

Sometime after I evacuated that God forsaken place, my cousin and her husband moved there. I think they are pretty desperate to get people to stay in Idaho Falls- so getting a job there is pretty easy. My cousin's husband, my cousin in law Jason, swears, smokes, drinks, and gambles. Therefore, we hit it off immediately. Jason invited me to play golf in a little charity golf tournament on Saturday.

My arrival on Friday night meant that we would have to have an Idaho Falls Bowling Championship on Friday night.

For those of you who don't know, I have never been beaten by any of my friends or family in any of our championship bowling events. None of them have any real athletic ability, so beating them usually amounts to just showing up.

That all changed on Friday. It was a miserable night.

Usually my opponents choke and start gushing oil out everywhere like those AMF Harley's in the 70's. Just as they start to choke and fade, I come in hard- knocking down 9 pins at a time and getting spares.

On a normal night, even crappy scores of 136 and 111 are usually enough to polish this crew off. But not Friday night. They were determined. They smelled blood in the water. Not only did they bowl well, but Jason was actually fist pumping like Tiger Woods at Augusta. It was a miserable experience for me.
Not only did I lose to Jason both games, but my girlfriend put up the high game of 158. It was like they were ganging up on me. Jason even pointed out that his wife, my cousin, was beating me when time ran out. Secretly I was happy we rented the lane by the hour, for me it was like Little League's mercy rule.

Not content with beating me in the Idaho Falls Championship, Jason had more humiliation in store for me. On Saturday morning in the golf tourney scramble event, Jason paired me with three of the worst golfers I have ever played with. They were great guys and I liked all three of them, but after a few holes I realized there wasn't even the slightest chance that we might win. I've seen God perform miracles but there are some things that are even out of reach for him.

I wasn't much better than my playing partners. I dribbled shots off the tee all day. Maybe I was still "hung over" from the beating I took at Skyline Lanes the night before.

We finished two under 68 thanks to a birdie on the last hole. The winning team had a 14 under 56. There was a 58, and a couple of 60's. The winning team consisted of 4 professionals who nabbed virtually every prize including closest to the pin and long drives.

I hate to see that kind of golfing skullduggery in a small charity event. In a way, I'm kind of glad we were never in it. That type of sandbagging is precisely why I quit playing competitive golf many years ago.

So on Saturday night, we traveled back home. We unpacked the car and went to bed. The following morning I got up and went out to get in my car. I noticed items from my car scattered on the ground in front of my house. Shit heads unknown had burgled my car and managed to get my Ipod, earbuds, and maybe a thing or two I am forgetting. They left a gold ring behind which was worth more than the Ipod. Thankfully, they had not damaged my car so all things considered, I was pretty lucky. Two other cars on the property were locked and they had not broken into them- so clearly I forgot to lock my car. Which is still no excuse for people to rip you off- a pet peeve of mine in the old days- anytime I heard a fellow cop scolding a victim for not locking their car.

I filed my on-line burglary report because in this new age, apparently the Boise cops are so busy arresting fugitives that they can no longer be bothered to take burglary reports. I don't care about the Ipod- I just want those 800 songs back but as I think about it- most of those songs were imported onto this computer. So there's that.

It was still a pretty good weekend. I had fun. I don't even mind losing the Ipod, really. It was getting old and I doubt it brings the shit heads more than 20 bucks down at the pawn shop anyway. They probably needed it more than I did. So that's the weekend wrap up- it is Monday. Time to get back to the business of crooked bankers, lying politicians, and all of the other fun things that will happen this week before the market starts selling off in earnest and the great Obamacare tax begins. I hope you all have a good week!


blurred said...

Get used to losing at bowling.

I've been training on the wii, and I'm becoming a beast.

Brian said...

Great. Btw,think about running Elvis down there. Maybe you can take a shot. Wouldn't mind picking up a little locals cash at Blackhawk.

Jim at Asylum Watch said...

Some days are meant to keep us humble, Brian.

Marcus said...

Whaddya got against Mormons, Brian? Three or more wives sounds pretty sweet to me, but then again, I'm a pig.

Brian said...

I can barely tolerate one woman (or vice versa) and you think three of them sounds sweet. Shit. You are an oak, Marcus.

Marcus said...

An oak. That is damned funny (really, I got a good belly laugh out of that one). But in my defense, I never said I was a genius, just a pig. An name I've been called all week!