Monday, November 19, 2012

The Last Solstice

I'm a little stunned that everyone seems to be ignoring the end of the world which will be here in about 32 days.

The Mayan Apocalypse and the end of the long count calendar occur on Dec. 21. There will be a solar eclipse and directly behind the sun- the black hole or center of the Milky Way will line up. Even Venus gets in the act. There will be a tremendous and sudden polar shift and most of us will die in horrible and catastrophic ways. I've seen all of this on television. All week.

You'd think an event like that might draw some attention. 

Instead, people are more concerned with why Justin "Biebs" Bieber and Selena Gomez parted company. Not to be outdone, President Obama is on another world wide tour evading any discussion of Benghazi and now brokering peace deals in the middle east with his silver tongue. 

The end of the world did not seem to faze the stock market today, either. At last check, the market was up nearly 200 points. In fact, economists like Paul Krugman are predicting that even though only a handful of people will survive the apocalypse- it will be very bullish for our GDP and the stock market as companies like Home Depot and Lowe's will profit handsomely from a global rebuilding phase. Krugman recommends a buy and hold strategy.

I'm a little bit more cautious than most. I've been using a common sense approach to conduct my personal affairs during the last month of my life. Here's what I've been doing.

Since I will probably die along with most people, I have decided not to refill my prescriptions beyond 30 days. This will save me about 12 bucks at WalMart. I figure that if I survive, I can probably just sort thru the rubble at one of the 300 Walgreen stores here in Boise and find some Viagra. On the cheap.

I am deferring all Christmas purchases. If we are all still alive after the 21st, I will think about Christmas shopping on Dec. 22. 

I am in the process of maxing out all of my credit cards just to be on the safe side. 

I am a little bummed that the end of the world comes right in the middle of the college football bowl season. After this weekend, I am writing a letter to the NCAA asking them to figure out who Notre Dame is going to play for the National Championship and hold the game on Dec 20 by canceling the Poinsettia Bowl in San Diego and using that venue. Unfortunately, the Beef O Brady's Bowl in St. Petersburg is being held on Dec 21 and I have no idea what the precise time of the end of the world will be. With any luck, the game will be over by then but I wouldn't want to chance it. I am betting the first half over- just to be on the safe side.

I've been waiting for the Jehovah's Witnesses to come to my door all month. I think this is the first time the end of the earth has fallen on a Friday and I just wanted to check with them to be sure.

The Mayans, a civilization far more advanced than any on earth at the time, vanished without a trace. That should bother you a little. Nobody knows what the hell happened to them. Here's a story that makes sense. The Pic de Bugarach in SE France is a mountain that will reportedly break open and reveal a spaceship that will save all believers. It departs sometime on Dec. 21. You should get there at least three hours early to avoid long lines and check your baggage. French police may get pressed into some sort of TSA style duties to stop Muslim extremists from hijacking the flight.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I never noticed that the world will end on a Friday. Jeez, now I am depressed. Why couldn't it have ended on a Monday instead? Lousy Mayans. By the way, Brian, why do you need viagra on the day after the world has been reduced to a smoldering rubbish heap? What's the good of walking around with a stiffy and there ain't no chicks to share it with?

Brian said...

Yeah, good point. Sometimes you just gotta fly solo.